I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
