How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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