so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
