also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
