you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
