3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
