I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
