I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
