you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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