I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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