You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
