Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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