dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
