The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
