Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I can't turn off my feet"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
