alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
