if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
