new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
