Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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