just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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