Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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