Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
