i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
