The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
