wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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