if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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