u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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