thus making me awesome and them whores
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
