i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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