I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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