I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
