i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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