All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have feelings that need drinking.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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