ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
