i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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