Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I cannot find my penis.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
