the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
