Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
