Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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