We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
