Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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