She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
