True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
