Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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