just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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