I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize