My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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