nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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