my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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