Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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