The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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