I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
