you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
