You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
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I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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