Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
