My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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