ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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