tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
