What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
